If I had a dollar for every time I started a blog, I’d be up $10. So, not a dramatic amount of money, but more blogs than a single person needs.
I’ve always needed to write. Longer than a year without any writing and I start to get twitchy and anxious. My mind won’t shut down and phrases drift through, disappearing into the white matter of my brain. I’m a recovering straight-A perfectionist type who knows how to be disciplined, yet I can’t for the life of me keep a single journal (or blog) going. If you can keep a journal going for more than a year: good for you, I’m envious. I just…can’t. I’ve tried. And then tried again. And again and again until I have 5 half-filled journals stored under my bed and 10 blogs associated with my many emails. (I should probably be grateful they’re lost to the web and I can’t find them.)
So now I’m here, with this 11th blog of mine. With my 11th first blog post. With my 11th “About Me” section. And why? I’m not trying to become a published author, or a “blogger”, or find my corner of people on the Internet. The truth is, most of my journals and blogs and writing has been goal-oriented: document my travels, fulfill a New Years Resolution, get an “A” for a class. Writing had a defined purpose. But what if I have no project or purpose with this? No goals, or direction, or aim? Nothing – literally no thing – to write about? It feels like such a scandal in this age to have no goal or ambition or cause to drive me. We can’t just be boring and ordinary anymore. We have to have passion! A cause! A thing. And right now, honestly, I don’t have one besides my contented, quiet routine of work-home-bed-repeat. That is my truth right now.
It’s finally snowing in New England this winter and I have the rest of this day at home. I will make more coffee and find something to do and rejoice that I started an 11th blog to try and sort through the beautifully mundane routine that is my life. So here goes nothing.
“My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?” – Charles Schulz